i still feel totally wiped out most of the time. i get plenty of sleep, so i don't know why my energy level is so messed up. it's really weird. i was more active when i was still drinking. i can remember waking up after midnight, and dashing to the liquor store
before it closed. i did this on a regular basis. panic. i could only relax when i knew there was plenty of cold beer in my fridge.
i know depression can make a person feel tired all the time, so maybe that's the reason. and the booze was like a shot of artificial energy? i don't know. i still remember all the bad things about drinking:
puking my guts out at 5 a.m.
not paying my bills on time.
avoiding the shower (and mirror).
wasting money.
collecting hundreds of empty bottles.
never having anything to eat in the house.
falling down.
wanting to die.
a couple of bloggers have asked me if i'd given any thought to joining aa? yeah, i've gone to lots of meetings. and because of my social anxiety disorder, it took a lot of effort on my part. just being in a group totally freaks me out. so after 2-4 weeks of sobriety (and going to meetings), i'd relapse big time.
i've had 3 sponsors, and they all told me the same thing: if you stop going to meetings, you'll just start drinking again. yet going to meetings always made me want to run to the liquor store as soon as i managed to escape.
so far, the only thing that has worked for me is therapy and meds. last year, i actually stayed sober for 6 months. the big mistake i made was to stop taking the meds. there were a lot of nasty side effects (couldn't sleep, shaking hands, always felt like i was gonna throw up, agitation big time, etc.). but now i see this as the lesser of 2 evils. being a drunk is a million times worse than enduring a few nasty side effects from psych meds. so i'm gonna give therapy (and meds) another try.
i know aa has worked for a lot of people, and i'm glad about that. hell, even my favorite film critic (roger ebert) went to meetings on a regular basis (he mentioned this in his last published book). but it just didn't work for me.
i have to deal with major depression, anxiety, and ocd on a daily basis. i have a sickness, and what does somebody do when he/she is ill? you go to a doctor (therapist). you take your medicine (psych meds). you watch your diet, and take your vitamins. you do your best to avoid stress. you try to be nice to yourself (and others). you pray, meditate, listen to beethoven - anything that will help you to feel like you are in a safe place.
you don't drink.
man, i'm totally looking forward to my appointment (with new therapist) on thursday.