i know it's probably just my wild imagination (the meds don't start to work for at least a month), but i felt a bit more energetic last night, so i decided to go for it: i got rid of most of those empty heineken bottles! just 1 more trip to the recycling place, and the nightmare is over.
my new therapist is totally cool. i'm going to the same clinic i went to before, so i didn't feel as anxious as i normally do when i have to go somewhere. there were only 4 people in the waiting room, so i didn't freak out or anything. it's a huge room (really totally comfortable), plus i brought along a good book to read: mary karr's "lit" was waiting for me at the library, so i picked it up on the way to the clinic.
so far, i've only read 20 pages, but i already love this book. it's brutally honest, sad, funny, (i won't say anymore until i've finished the book).
yeah, my new therapist really is totally cool. i was worried he might insist i give aa another try, but he told me that it made perfect sense that i freaked out every time i went to a meeting. it's actually "normal" for people with social anxiety disorder to avoid large groups. also, he said i'm lucky i was able to stop drinking on my own - some folks cannot do that.
i mentioned that i started a blog about my battle with booze, and he thought it was a healthy thing to do. so it looks like blogging, psych meds, individual therapy, staying sober, eating right, running, and setting realistic goals for myself - that's what i need to do if i want a better life. i guess it all really is one day at a time, so i'm gonna stop worrying myself to death about the future. i've accomplished a lot in the last 2 days. now i just need to keep on keepin' on.
Good luck to you. This is a compelling blog. I like how you don't capitalize i.
ReplyDeletee.e. cummings started this trend back in the '20s.
Deletehey, i totally dig e.e. cummings. :-)
Deletehey, thanks. yeah, i got in the habit of writing like this after i discovered the cap key on my old keyboard was totally broken. my ocd makes it difficult for me to adjust to any kind of change, so that's the real reason i continue to write like this. however, i do use the cap key when it comes to titles, so maybe all is not lost. thanks for checking out my blog.
ReplyDeleteSaw your comment at Solitary Walker's blog. I'm a solitary walker, too, in the small town where I live. In my early sobriety, I only went to one meeting in the first two years. I've been sober ever since that first meeting. During those early years of sobriety I did more painting than I have done since. From my 3rd to 5th year, I did go to meetings and then stayed away until my 22nd year of sobriety. Do whatever works for you. That's what I did.
ReplyDeleteBlogging has been a creative outlet for me since 2006 when I began posting a 40-year retrospective of my art work. It's a good way to find kindred spirits all over the world.
September 26, 1987, was my first meeting, but my sobriety date is May 8, 1987. At that first meeting, I bought a copy of the Big Book, went out to the Oregon Coast to read it, and began sobriety one day at a time. It's good to be in recovery with you and so many who have suffered as we have. We are not alone even when we don't feel comfortable enough to go to meetings. I saw that someone suggested phone and online meetings in previous comments. That's a new option for us.
This is a good time to be alive. In 1999 I had a dream that Janis Joplin had gotten sober and said, "Kiss the 21st century for me." I saw her in concert in Golden Gate Park in 1967 when I was 17 years old. I was devastated when she died in 1970. That was when I began to realize that I might be an alcoholic, too. It's never too early to get sober. I understand that Bob Dylan stopped drinking in 1994. We're in good company.
I don't usually write such long comments but something moved me to keep writing.
hey, thanks for all the awesome support! and congrats for staying sober for so many years! i admire that big time. yeah, i did check out that site, and i have a few phone numbers i can call. and i will call somebody soon. i just want to make sure i have a bit more sobriety time going on (yesterday was 15 days since i had a drink).
ReplyDeletethe truth is i've been getting lots of really cool support from other bloggers (here), and i feel like i've finally found a safe place where i can honestly open up to people and not have to worry about being torn down or misunderstood.
the last phone experience i had with an aa member only caused more harm than good. i'd been sober for 3 months, and called aa to share my good news. the dude i spoke with was totally harsh. after he found out i was not going to meetings, he wasted no time calling me a dry drunk. so i tried to explain about my social anxiety, and how hard it is for me to be in a crowded room. his response was to tell me that aa couldn't do anything about that, and if i really was sincere about my sobriety - i'd make it to meetings.
his last words to me (before he cut the conversation short) were: "dry drunks always have one excuse or another for not coming to meetings and working on the steps. i need to take another call." then he hung up. i was crushed and angry, but i didn't let his negative attitude get to me. i remained a "dry" drunk for a total of 6 months.
anyway, i'll feel much safer giving aa another go (on the phone) after i have managed to stay sober for at least a month. right now i'm afraid i might have another relapse if i get a negative response. and i'm not ready to risk that. does that make any sense?
how cool it must have been to see janis joplin in concert! i've seen the documentary about her (janis: the way she was), and she always gave 100% of herself on stage. there's never gonna be another janis. i don't know of any other performer that can sing rock and blues the way she did. and she's been gone for such a long time.
now that i know you also are a painter, i'm totally eager to check out your blog. i really do appreciate all the generous support you've given me, and i want to thank you big time for the awesome comment. it really made my day.
RE your experience with the mean AA "friend" who hung up on you: I'm not in AA, but I do have a drinking problem that I'm trying to cut back on. In my experience, it's often the new teetotalers who are often the nastiest and most judgmental. For instance, a friend of mine, who's in AA, and I were arguing about an issue over the phone months ago... (She has been sober for over a decade, and she knew that I still drank.) When the intellectual argument got heated, she shrieked at me, "You don't make any sense because you're DRUNK!" and hung up on me. I'd had maybe 3 beers by that point in the conversation, and our disagreement had nothing to do with any substance. But she used her feeling of "superiority" because she no longer drank, while I did, against me. Sometimes that kind of thing is the most disheartening, because you expect people who have been through The Battle to be more understanding...
DeleteRE Janis Joplin in concert: In my 20s, I was in grad school at San Francisco State in the mid-1990s, and my boss at my work-study library job was 60-ish, very pleasant and plump and staid... But she told me about first hearing Janis Joplin in Golden Gate Park in her youth... She'd been walking along aimlessly and suddenly heard THIS VOICE that she had to follow to see where it was coming from! Turned out it was Joplin performing, a year or so before she got famous. My boss was not in any way a "former hipster" or anything, just a one-time kid who followed the sound of a soulful voice...
Deletere: beth austin's experience with rude (sober) friend. i'm sorry that happened to you. i don't think it's cool for a sober person to shame somebody that drinks (especially a friend!)
Deletemaybe she felt like it was the only way she'd have the final word? i don't know. i tend to walk away from conflict, and totally believe that anger begets anger. i hope you told your friend that what she did to you was wrong. friendship is more important than having the final word. big time.
when i was sober for 6 months (last year), i'd sometimes encounter homeless people on the streets as i was walking to the store. sometimes they asked for spare change, and i always gave them something.
so many folks have told me it's a mistake to give the homeless money: they'll just waste it on booze or drugs. how can anybody know for sure? what's up with the bogus stigma? maybe the money will be spent on booze/drugs. maybe it will be spent on a sandwich.
i'm not one to judge. i know what it feels like to be totally rejected, so i can't do that to somebody - especially a homeless person. there's no such thing as too much empathy. that's just a convenient myth.
thanks for all your insightful comments! you have a quick and intelligent mind. i'm gonna grab a bite to eat, but i'll be back.
re: beth austin's comment about janis joplin in concert... totally awesome story. i wish i could have been there! i bet that was right before she performed at monterey pop. the large audience had never heard/seen anything like her before, and lucky for us it is all captured in the amazing concert film: monterey pop. her soulful performance on stage and in the film is something you'll never forget.
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