i finally made it to the store, so i have plenty of food (and tea and coffee) in the house. also bought a bottle of multivitamins. i still feel totally wiped out, and i know it's because i was not eating right while i was drinking as many as 24 heinekens every single day. yikes!
still working on getting rid of all those empty bottles. i'm making progress, but because i'm only able to fit around 30 bottles in 2 shopping bags - it's gonna take a few more trips.
i was more than a little nervous about going to the store, because i was worried i might be tempted to buy more beer. i've been dry for close to a week, so i really don't want to take any chances. however, once i made it to the store, i managed to stay focused on my grocery list (yeah, i'm a secret nerd), plus i found and bought everything i needed as fast as i could, and got the hell out of there.
at least i won't have to worry about money this month: 2 people have asked me to do their portraits. since i always request 50% payment in advance, i'm good to go for the next 2-3 weeks.
i'm almost done reading burroughs' book (dry). i can identify with so much of what he has written. he also ended up with a bunch of empty bottles that he had to get rid of. but he was able to do it all at once. i wish i could say the same. maybe it's a good thing that i am going through this experience? it makes me hate booze big time.
the hitchcock movie (rope) was not one of his best, but i am glad that i finally got to see it. the next movie i watch will have to be a comedy: morbid stuff is not a good idea right now.
Glad you found Augusten B. - I liked all if his books except the last one, which was rather gloomy. You might read some Mary Carr too - another sober memoirist.
ReplyDeleteyeah, augusten b. is awesome. lots of humor and sadness (in his best work). thanks for letting me know about mary karr - she's now at the top of my reading list.
ReplyDeleteHi. Thanks for your comment on my blog. Nice to get one that wasn't spam. Or maybe the spam bots have already turned sentient, turned to booze to deal with the pain of sentience, and are now in recovery to deal with the pain of alcoholism.
ReplyDeleteChecked out your blog a bit.
I remember clearing out caches of booze crusted bottles from living spaces. Sometimes it felt like trying to dispose of a corpse or something. Fucked, up. I knew the pain of early recovery alright. Sometimes it helps to write through it, if you can manage it.
Good luck in recovery, it's probably the best thing you've ever done for yourself, if you're anything like me. You wrote that you're not into AA, so I'll refrain from being an AA cultist, I presume there must be ways of getting sober without the program, but I never stumbled upon any of them myself. You ever try getting a sponsor though? That can make all the difference. Mary Karr's memoir, "Lit", is a good one, my sponsor bought it for me.
hey, thanks for the really cool comment. yeah, i totally hate looking at so many empty bottles. it reminds me of just how out of control my life had become. i like what you wrote: "I remember clearing out caches of booze crusted bottles from living spaces. Sometimes it felt like trying to dispose of a corpse or something. Fucked, up...."
ReplyDeleteyeah, it is something like trying to get rid of a corpse.
thanks for the support. i'm glad aa helps a lot of people to stay sober. i tried the program at least half a dozen times, and i always relapsed after 2-4 weeks. apart from major depression, i am also dealing with social anxiety disorder. so any kind of group sort of freaks me out.
is it possible to get a sponsor when you're not going to meetings? i'm gonna see a therapist on thursday, so i'm hoping that will help. till then, i found a couple of really cool crisis lines that i can call every day.
after wyoming diva suggested i read mary karr, i signed in to my public library account, and put "lit" on hold. so i should have it in a week or so. she must be a really awesome writer. i'm totally looking forward to getting my hands on that book.
thanks for checking out my blog. i haven't read yours for awhile, so i'll stop by there before the day is done.
I'm a writer and I drink quite a bit (too much for my comfort), but one thing that sometimes helps me to get back to my core is remembering what I truly liked and what was inspiring when I was 15, 16, 17... I loved the Beatles. I loved Sylvia Plath's poems. "Sgt. Pepper" and "Daddy" blew my mind in both an intellectual AND a heartfelt way... I think that people, especially artists, who are more intent on discovering the "real" and "true," try to re-create the initial pure "buzz" with drugs and alcohol. And the substances DO initially provide that, let's not lie. But THAT high is not really TRUE like a great work of art is, or like a spectacular natural scene is. When you've read a great poem, or seen a great painting, or even seen a really majestic TREE, you KNOW it! I think drinking and drugs are an attempt to get that feeling on demand... but it's a fact of life that epiphanies don't happen on demand.
ReplyDeleteyeah, i totally agree. my childhood and early teens were totally awesome. no depression, fear, panic, anxiety, ocd. i had lots of friends, and was the popular kid on the block. but that all changed when i turned 15. suddenly i didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. i began avoiding all my really cool friends. high school was a place i no longer wanted to go to. i lost all interest in art, poetry, music. and i thought about somehow ending my life big time.
ReplyDeletei really like what you wrote: "When you've read a great poem, or seen a great painting, or even seen a really majestic TREE, you KNOW it! I think drinking and drugs are an attempt to get that feeling on demand... but it's a fact of life that epiphanies don't happen on demand." epic.